How to (and not to) appreciate the opening of Sex and the City, the movie, without…

annoying the sh*t out of everyone around you.

1) DON’T designate to yourself and to each of your three annoying friends the identities of the film’s four principal characters. You’re not Carrie and the sluttiest girl of your acquaintance is not Samantha.

2) DON’T assign to yourself and to each of your three annoying friends percentages that represent how much you resemble the film’s four principal characters. You’re a human being, not a pie chart. You’re not 20% Carrie, 70% Samantha with a dash of Charlotte and Miranda.

3) DON’T dress in drag as one of the film’s four principal characters.

4) DON’T drink cosmos. We’re in/on the brink of a recession. These days, posing and sipping from long-stem glasses is tacky. Drink whatever you normally drink.

5) DON’T scream, “Oh my God, there’s my girl,” when Jennifer Hudson appears on the screen. If she were really your girl, you’d already know that she was cast in the movie.

6) DON’T insist on going to opening night. It’s going to be a circus, the most annoying scene anyone has ever seen. No matter how much you think you loved Sex and the City, there are people who loved it more than you. Let them have the seats.

1) DO admit to yourself that you’re superpsyched.

2) DO bust out your pink box set and watch the last four episodes to catch up on the story.

3) DO invite your boyfriend, who’s become a huge Sex and the City fan over the last few years.

4) DO catch a matinee during the calm afternoon hours.

5) DO defend your right to enjoy Sex and the City. Say, “look people, I know it’s no Six Feet Under, Rome or John Adams, but it has its merits, all right? If you can’t see that, well then it’s your loss, not mine. Peace.”

6) DO admit to yourself, and no one else, that the trailer gives you the chills.

Big time! OMG, does Steve really cheat on Miranda? Is Big going to call off the wedding at the last minute? Will Aiden or Petrovsky reappear to tempt Carrie? Inkpen doesn’t know if she can wait much longer!!

Hey Look! Indigenous People Unschooled in Suffering! Cool.

This morning Yahoo! News had a story about a tribe of unsullied human beings that has been spotted in the Amazon. And, they have aerial pics. Inkpen wishes that she could have been in that plane — with the ghosts of Truman and Oppenheimer, Holla! — to see the looks on their primitive faces when it flew overhead. What a bunch of terrified clowns — brandishing those bows and arrows in the nuclear age! Ha! Bet they’re going to have to scrub their loincloths extra hard the next time they go down to the river, if you know what Inkpen means.

Let’s get ‘em guys. Let’s expose those poor, ignorant, unChristian souls to Jesus’ teachings and Coca Cola. Yay! Better yet, let’s throw some headphones across their simian temples and plug them into a game of Grand Theft Auto. It would blow their minds!

You know what else Inkpen thinks that they would really love? Sarcasm. And not just the kind when you say the opposite of what you mean with a really affected voice and an exaggerated roll of the eyes, but also the kind when you say what you really want very deadpanlike, leaving the other person to wonder what you really mean. Those jungle people would really flip for that!This post is sarcastic in case anyone thought Inkpen was for real. Inkpen sincerely wishes this tribe the best and is kind of sad to learn of their discovery. Hopefully the modern world won’t destroy their habitat or brave the jungles for an exclusive face-to-face interview.

True Love Waits and it’s been a long time coming, although..

In the divorce papers that Bill Murray’s soon-to-be ex-wife recently filed, she makes some pretty alarming claims about Inkpen’s number one sugar daddy forever and always. Death threats. Sucker punches. Disappearing acts. Sounds awful. But still, it’s Bill Murray. It can’t be true!!!

Does Inkpen still love him? Tough one. Inkpen can understand why a woman would be enraged by Bill Murray’s disappearing acts. She acutely feels the lack of Bill Murray’s attention at every moment. But hitting is just too low and it hurts something bad to get walloped. But you always have to be careful about taking too seriously the claims of people who are divorcing people with gobs of money.

So, is it true? How will BM respond? That’s the real question. Below, a little tribute to the way we were. Sniffle.

Shout Out

Hi Adam. I heard that you own a very profitable trucking company. This is moodvane, and you are very welcome to rest here during the afternoon coffee breaks that you probably don’t have. Thanks for stopping by.

Love,

Inkpen Shmee

NYTimes Mag article on Gawker, Kimmel and Media’s Poor, Bilious “Sacrificial Virgins”

Emily Gould’s recent New York Times Magazine article about how she overexposed herself through blogging is a compelling and informative read for anyone who publishes, or is considering publishing, personal content on the internet. In “Exposed”, the writer describes how she cracked under the pressure and personal mania that went along with her fast-paced blogging gig at Gawker Media. In the article, she says that one friend refers to young writers such as herself as “sacrificial virgins”, which Inkpen thought was pretty hilarious.

The article details Gould’s tailspin in the year since she appeared on the Larry King Live Show. At the time, Jimmy Kimmel was filling in as the guest host. Kimmel grilled Gould about the dangers that the Gawker Stalker map, which was created before she started working at Gawker, poses to celebrities and, as so many celebrities blithely do to the people who cover them, criticized her job and questioned the value and purpose of her life.

Yeah, she looks like a big, goony jerk in this video — while going head to head with a seasoned television personality. Remarkably, Gould’s tell-all article, however self-indulgent, displays courage through honesty and provides a very interesting glimpse into the inner workings of young, hip New York media.

On the other hand, Kimmel, who co-hosted The Man Show for four years, probably shouldn’t be posing (or postured) as a straight-up, Larry King-style interviewer or pointing a finger at anyone. The Man Show‘s very purpose was to trivialize and exacerbate the American gender rift, which is probably one of the biggest distractions and sources of pain in average peoples’ lives.

But celebrities aren’t average people, so they should be able to get from airport luxury lounges to hotel gifting suites — where they pick up free clothes, jewelry and novelty items like it’s Christmas morning — without regular folks texting their whereabouts on the Gawker Stalker map, right? I mean, c’mon. Isn’t there any justice in the world?

Saturday Night Lame – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Inkpen is definitely dumber than she was two hours ago. She just got home from watching Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Generally, Indiana Jones movies are a lot like the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at Disney World: they appear to be made out of chicken wire and papier mache and they’re only scary and exciting when you’re a kid. Inkpen hasn’t watched the earlier Indiana Jones films in a while, but it’d be pretty hard to believe that they could have been worse than the latest adventure. It’s hard to pity any one who complains about seeing this movie because, sad as it is to say, George Lucas came up with the story (GL now, not GL in the ’70s and ’80s) and Steven Spielberg directed it (again, now). If you hate Jar Jar Binks as much as anyone with brain activity should, then you’ll definitely hate this terrible movie!

Sweet Bronco says, “I am disturbed by how bad that movie was. The only thing that I can compare it to is that time I saw Hostel. We need to put another movie on just to clear the air.” Sweet Bronco couldn’t speak for two days after seeing Hostel. He added, “Spielberg used to make you afraid to go in the water. Now, he makes you afraid to go in the theater. And PS that chick who plays Marion is just so happy to be in a movie again that she can’t stop smiling the whole time.”

However, Obama’s Schizophrenic Video for “Yes We Can”…

…makes Inkpen feel like she might have a panic attack or a seizure. They played this video at the Obama rally that I went to on Friday afternoon.  It was really confusing. Everyone’s talking and singing all over each other. Who are half of these celebrities anyway? Will.I.Am, OK. Scarlett Johansson, OK. John Legend, OK. The guy Claire dated in the first season of Six Feet Under, OK. I don’t know who those other people are. Is that bald guy playing the guitar Howie Mandel, or not?

Inkpen and Sweet Bronco hit up the Barack Obama rally in Sunrise

Sweet Bronco and Inkpen went to listen to Barack Obama talk at the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise yesterday. Inkpen wanted to get a personal impression of the man. There’s a picture of the crowded stadium. Pretty impressive turnout, eh?

We stood in the pouring rain and sizzling lightning for 20 minutes before we finally got inside of the air-conditioned arena. Boo! The only cool thing about that experience was that a few strangers let us huddle with them beneath their blue poncho. It was some serious Democratic bonding.

The Spam Allstars warmed up the rain-soaked crowd at the Barack Obama rally in Sunrise.

Obama talked straighter than Inkpen had expected. His expression was free of the self-doubting, voter-pleasing strain that’s turned voters off to electable, mainstream Democratic presidential candidates in recent years. Obama promised to emphasize the differences between himself and McCain who, he said, is running for “George Bush’s 3rd term.” Oh no he didn’t! Inkpen is really starting to like this bold and sassy Democrat.

During his speech, Obama stated his intention to, among other things, work toward universal healthcare, preserve social security, improve the education system by hiring and paying talented teachers instead of fixating on standardized testing, and shift the military’s focus from the war in Iraq to the war in Afghanistan.

I Am Riverfront, Alligator Alley Show and the Terrible Things Children Do

Crush at Riverfront

Sweet Bronco and I went to the new Crush event at Riverfront in downtown Ft. Lauderdale last Thursday to watch The Freakin’ Hott. Riverfront’s vacancy can only be described as post-apocalyptic; it’s the I Am Legend of entertainmentplexes. The Freakin’ Hott put on a sick show. They’re awesome. However, Inkpen did not enjoy the DJ music at all. Too much dance music, not enough rock music. Dance music is vodka-drinking music, and it ain’t right. I will return to Umi Lounge this Thursday to lose my Zombies Organize virginity, but that might be it for Crush and me — unless they mix some decent rock music in with the dance songs.

Last Saturday evening, Sweet Bronco played a solo set at Alligator Alley. There he is:

There go Sweet Bronco’s set list:

We met this female, who dubs herself Robot Swan, near the stage. She played too. It was very enjoyable. There Robot Swan is:

There The Pretty Faces are:

Inkpen can attest that they really are cute in person.

Here’s something that’s not cute. On Sunday, we went to Sweet Bronco’s nieces’ 3rd birthday party, and this is the horrific image that the children left behind. Winnie!

Yes, this was left behind an innocent enough round of pinata bashing, but it looks like something nasty went down.

As we drove way out west to the party, Sweet Bronco said, “Copans is the bible belt of Fort Lauderdale.” Inkpen did not know that. Sweet Bronco keeps Inkpen in the know. That’s why we always roll out togeth.

Bye Now!

Hearting you big time,

Inkpen Shmee

They Got Moranned! From a Cruise Line? For the rest of their lives?

Getting “moranned” is like getting banned, except for that you’re getting banned from a cruise line…for life. This USA Today story about the Morans, a Cleveland couple that complained its way into getting banned from Royal Caribbean cruise line, is just about the funniest thing Inkpen has seen all week. Besides the fact that their last name is just one letter off from “moron”, there are two good reasons why this story tickles Inkpen’s toesies: everyone knows a person or couple like the Morans, most likely the kind of people whom you’d give up long-cherished life goals to avoid having to talk to for 15 minutes, and how extreme would these people have to be to stand apart from the hen-pecking, buffet lovers that generally frequent cruise ships? Aren’t cruises like vacations for imaginationless people who don’t like to move around? I seriously hope that a video of the Morans complaining to a young, career-thirsty reporter from a Cleveland TV station emerges soon?

Looked for one…couldn’t find it, but I found this interesting video while I was searching:

Lime green is all I’m gonna say about that video.

What we learned today: There’s nothing worse than hearing, “You got moranned,” cause you know that, kinda person that you (likely) are, whatever’s wrong has gotta be your own fault.

Sweet Bronco made me something he’s calling chamomillio estevez tea, so that’s exciting.

Next Page »